29.

Today is my 29th birthday. My last year in my twenties. Age has never been a big deal to me, so I'm really not worried about turning 30 next year.

All day I've been reflecting over the past year and all that it has brought me. We gained a new, precious daughter. I went to Ethiopia four times in my 28th year. My sweet, sweet girls have grown up so much.

I'm a mommy to three girls. I'm a wife to the most amazing husband in the entire world.

I am so, so blessed. I have a tendency to get really down on myself because I don't have enough friends or I'm not as busy as everyone else or I'm not doing as much with my kids as everyone else is doing or whatever the case may be. But you know what? None of that even matters. I shouldn't be down on myself because I'm me and being me is pretty stinking rad!!  I don't have to live in Ethiopia or go somewhere else to change the world...I'm changing the world of three little girls by being their Mommy!! And nothing can ever top that!! Nobody else has the privilege of raising MY daughters. I know your kids are totally rad too, because they're yours. But my kids are mine and I get to raise them up to be women of God!! What an amazing blessing and honor that is!!!

So on this 29th birthday of mine, I am blessed. I am so thankful for all the the Lord has given me. I'm thankful for every experience, good and bad, because it has shaped me in to this mother and wife that I am today.

Tomorrow is Adam's birthday and he'll be 29, too!! I love that we get to share our birthdays so close to each other!! :)

April.

How has it been over a month since I have posted last? I'm such a slacker.

So April has been pretty busy, but we love busy!!

The first weekend in April, we went to Virginia. Adam went on a fishing trip with his dad, brother and friends. I stayed with the girls in Virginia. We had such a fun time...going out to eat, hanging out at the house and seeing Ashley and Jessi in a pageant. It was a nice bonding time. :) Adam and I also had an awesome time driving there and back with all of our girls. I always get really stressed out when we go on long road trips with the girls, but they always do amazingly well and this time was no exception!

The following Saturday we went to my Dad's for the day and we had a nice, relaxing time. We got to hang out and eat yummy burgers even though it was close to freezing outside! Then Sunday the 14th, we got to see my Aunt and Grandma at my mom's house before they headed to see my cousin in Florida!

The Saturday after that we headed to Columbus to visit our friends, Adam and Ashley, and go to an Ethiopian restaurant called Lalibela. It was awesome and we had such a fun time...even if all of our kids were crazy! :)

This past weekend we stayed close to home and just went grocery shopping and out to eat a few times. We were in need of a relaxing weekend!

My birthday is Thursday and Adam's is Friday. I can't believe we're going to be 29. It just doesn't seem real! I still feel like I'm 18! HAHA! I'm looking forward to getting a new tattoo for my birthday so be on the lookout for that...coming soon!

All in all, that's our April in a nutshell. Makayla went to preschool throughout all those weeks in between our weekends. And the girls have been having their weekly date nights with their Daddy. I don't know if I ever wrote about that, but Adam takes one girl out each week for a little date. The fourth week is MINE. And it just so happens that our 8 year anniversary is next week (May 7th) and it's my date week!! I'm just a little excited. :)

Maybe I'll be back in May for another fun update on our lives!! Until then, peace out bean sprout!

Last Week.

Last Monday, the 18th, was my very first time taking all three girls out on my own since Kalkidan has been home. It was a feat, let me tell you! Having two three year olds is no joke. I had no idea who to get out of the car first and where to put the other one. And on top of all that, it was raining outside. So we were off to a good start, obviously.

We headed to Makayla's gymnastics field trip for the morning. In all seriousness, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Sure we had our moments. Like when Kalkidan kept trying to sneak off and go anywhere else. And when Addi just melted on the floor in between my legs while I'm trying to watch her big sister rock it on the high rings.

Makayla LOVED gymnastics. She had such a blast. They went on the huge trampoline at first and then jumped in to the foam block things when they were done with that. While she was in there, she looked up at me and waved. It was so precious. And she looked so stinking little!!

They moved on to another area where the climbed all over and through a bunch of different stuff. And then they went on the high rings and Makayla was in heaven! She was the first one to go all the way through the course and she was just beyond excited!! The high rings were all she talked about for the rest of the day. :)

After that came the balance beam course and she rocked that one, too! She got really nervous on the high balance beam, but she did her very best. Even fell off a few times, but just hopped right back up...with a little help from one of her teachers. It was a pretty fun morning even though my little babies weren't behaving as well as I would have liked. We somehow managed to get back to the car and then we treated ourselves to Chick-Fil-A!

Wednesday was the second day that I took all three girls out on my own. I know, twice in one week! Makayla had her Kindergarten screening so we all went to that. It didn't go as well this time. I called Adam in tears after it was all over. And I don't want to talk about it. Makayla did fantastic at her screening. I forgot all of her paperwork so she's not technically signed up yet, but whatever. She will be.

And Friday was four months since Kalkidan has been home with us forever!!! I can't believe it's been four months already! Well, I can believe it. I've been stuck in my house almost that entire time...mostly due to me being too nervous to take all three of them out on my own. And most of those fears proved true this past week. But, we are still working on it and things can only go up from here, right?

It was an eventful week and one I would rather not live over again. So thankful to start this week anew with all my laundry and dishes done today! :)

A Beautiful Offering Quotes.

Some amazing quotes from the latest book I read, A Beautiful Offering by Angela Thomas. It's amazing and you should totally read it.

"All the time, you and I are operating inside the Kingdom of God. Every moment we have been held by His gaze. He has forever been as close as the beat of your heart and the inclination of your prayer. But sometimes goals and tasks and the annoying way the world rolls in can keep us from realizing His nearness. We forget that we are His family. We forget that we belong to His Kingdom."

"Jesus wants you to know that when you are broken, shivering alone or afraid, with nothing left and nowhere to go then you can turn in His direction and lay yourself at the feet of His love. Lay your broken offering on His altar. He will come and carry you into His presence. He will hold you with the warmth of His embrace and cover you with the blanket of His Kingdom inheritance."

"Jesus told His followers on the hillside that when the tears are flowing and the pain is real and we have become the walking wounded who finally crawl into the presence of God, then we are blessed. Our lives can be a beautiful offering because the empty soul finds itself before the only One we can heal. We've tried every quick fix available. We've numbed ourselves with food, addictions, obsession or sin, but nothing worked and all that's left is to mourn what was and what never can be.

I think Jesus wanted us to know that the only comfort that speaks stillness to the squalling soul is supernatural. The things we try to do for ourselves can be distracting, but real comfort happens in the arms of God, the One who knows and understands and holds us in the pain. Jesus knew that He would become the sacrifice for our mourning, that He would become the wounded Healer, the only hope the walking wounded will ever have."

"If you want your life to be a beautiful offering to God, then one of the attributes that He blesses is becoming a woman of peace. Maybe the woman who has become a peacemaker would look something like this:

-She has surrendered her life to God and she's not mad about it. She is learning to trust Him with the outcome and, even beyond trust, she anticipates that His plan will be more exciting and better than she could have imagined.

-She tends the hearts of those she loves. Petty details decline in value. Love matters more.

-She is beginning to see what counts for eternity and gives her attention accordingly.

-She is interruptible.

-She looks into the eyes of neighbors and strangers and the goofy friends of her kids and sees the person who wants to be loved and valued and applauded.

-She understands that life doesn't always turn out right and people don't turn out right and just about everything needs to be covered with forgiveness.

-She is slow to mumble stupid words of discouragement.

-She considers when it is appropriate to become angry.

-She is way past appearances and pretense.

-She surrounds herself with passionate contentment."

"Jesus said to be salt and light. It's pleasing to Him. It demonstrates to the world whom you belong to. The salty and the light bearers are becoming a beautiful offering with their lives. But maybe you haven't made anyone thirsty lately, and maybe your light has almost gone out. Here is the grace of His calling to me and to you:

It's never too late to become.
It's never too late to change.
You haven't been away too long.
His forgiveness can still cover your sin.
His love can heal your wounds.
Your life isn't too broken for Him.
As long as you have breath, it's never too late with Jesus.
He doesn't expect your offering to be perfect. He never said that it would be easy. Move toward Him and watch Him supernaturally make you into salt and light.
Stay the path.
Let Him pick you up when you've fallen.
Face in His direction.
You may have given up on God, but He has never given up on you.
Go be the city, baby. Go be the salt."

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect. (Matthew 5:48)

Jesus did not give us these words to hang us. He gave us these words to tell us about the character of God. When we choose to follow Christ with our lives, the call to us is towards His likeness. He wants us to reconcile our anger because He does. He wants us to protect life and marriage because He does. He wants us to keep our oaths to be like Him. He wants us to love our enemies because of His love for them. And He calls us to perfection because that's the very essence of who He is. He can't and won't lower the bar of His character just to let us feel better about our lives."

"How do you hold on to your treasures? Do you clutch them tightly as if they are all you will ever have? Do you choke the life out of your relationships, believing that you have to remain in control? What if God wanted to improve your life or redirect your path and He needed your hands to be empty in order to take you there? Would He have to painfully pry your fingers, one by one, from the things you hold so tightly? Would He let you kick and scream and cry over your loss, so that He could pick you up and point you in the direction of kingdom treasure?

If you feel things slipping away, if you seem to have lost control, or if you instinctively want to grab hold of everything and pull it in tight, then maybe God is asking you to let go. Open your hands and let Him move His treasure in and out of your life. The blessing is that He always puts more into your open hands than you could have ever imagined there was room for."

"What do you think would be considered treasure in heaven? How about large accounts of forgiveness given? Drawers full of grace extended. A mattress stuffed with sacrifice and service and goodness. A cookie jar brimming with memories made and hugs give and tender looks across crowded rooms. A safe-deposit box packed with the secret life you have devoted to God. Maybe there is an old moving box stuffed with contentment. A scrapbook full of the joy you accumulated on the journey. And love--wouldn't it be great to need a garage out back just to hold all the love?"

"One thought that gives me rest is knowing that Jesus is not mat about my worry. He doesn't want us to worry, but He obviously knew it came with our humanity. He told us not to worry because H realized our natural inclination toward anxiety. Jesus knows the intricacies of our humanness, our limitations, and our possibilities. He knows that even in our maturity, we need to be reminded of truths we have already learned. He knows that remembering runs out, and we long to hear of His love over and over again. He knows that weariness can set in, hearts can give up, and the spirit can become fretful and poor. So He said to us,

Don't worry about your life.

Don't worry about what you will eat or drink or wear.

Don't worry about tomorrow.

Maybe you knew that already. Maybe you needed to be reminded too. What a tenderness He gives to us. He is not mad at our forgetfulness. He remembers our frailty and reminds us of a better way."

"People don't want messy lives and torn-up marriages and addicted kids. They don't want to be bound to sin. They are ashamed of their awful mistakes. You don't really have to beat them up anymore. They can spend a lifetime berating themselves. So instead of more contempt and disgrace, what if we offered them a way out?

What if we came alongside their pain and took them by the hand into the presence of God? What if we stayed with them until they had been truly introduced to the only One who can forgive and heal and restore? What if we weren't afraid of their pasts? What if we could see the God of their future? What if the people who come into our lives felt no condemnation? Can you imagine their relief? Can you imagine how it might feel to step from the shadows of shame and into the bright love of God's forgiveness and grace? Did you know that God wants you to lead them out? He wants you to lay down your judgment so that His merciful love can work through you."

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1)

When you and I enter into a relationship with Jesus Christ, there is a new reality that runs counter to our natural inclination. Because of Jesus, condemnation is now irrelevant. Not only does Jesus not condemn you, but also because of His love, He died for you and intervenes at the right hand of the Father in heaven on your behalf. You and I are covered by His declaration that because we belong to Him, we are no longer condemned.

Paul goes on to say in that same chapter in Romans,

Nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord. (Verses 8:33-35)

Nothing can separate you from the One who does not condemn. We don't have to play these negative games anymore. We don't have to find fault or assign guilt or heap shame. Don't you think it's time to lay it down? Don't you think it would be a sweet offering to give not and receive not?"

"God is not mad at us or out to get us. I think He means it when He says that He casts our sin as far as the east if rom the west and remembers it no more. I believe with all my heart that He is wild for you and for me. I think that we have become hesitant in our lives and fearful to move toward Him because we have not really known the depth of His love and desire for us."

"The amazing life, the beautiful offering, the life God dreamed of for you and me begins on the solid foundation of Jesus Christ. I imagine some of you have already known the sinking sand of many other beginnings. It's okay. Tear it all down and start over right. Come back to the only sure footing. We get to start over with God. We get second chances and new beginnings and renewed dreams. It is never too late to build an amazing life with Christ. You are never too old to get a new foundation and a fresh start."

"We know that our works cannot save us. They do not make us good enough for God. There is nothing we can do to earn the love or favor of God. It is a free gift, to any who ask, so that no one can ever boast. But beyond our salvation is the call to build a house of good deeds. We are supposed to weave acts of righteousness into our lives as an offering of worship to our God."

Thoughts on Fundraising.

When we started our adoption, I was all in. Reading other peoples' blogs about their journey to their child. Researching everything I could find on Ethiopia. Going to orphan care conferences. I became totally engrossed in the entire topic of adoption and Ethiopia. I even went a mission trip TO Ethiopia while we were waiting for our referral because I just HAD to get there.

I realize now in all of that time, I somehow became bitter about everything adoption. Why did this person get their referral 'before' other people? Not even before us...they just 'skipped' the line. Why didn't this person donate to our adoption? Why didn't this person sacrificially give to us when we needed it most? I started to think things about certain people that I knew weren't donating to something that was so close to my heart. How could they not care about this as much as I do? Are we even friends?

Those thoughts went through my mind a lot and I'm definitely not proud of that. I lost a lot of friendships during our adoption waiting period. I'm confident that most of those friendships weren't healthy anyway and I'm okay with them being gone. But I also know that I pushed a lot of people away because I didn't think they did enough to support us...at least not what I thought they should be doing.

It's selfish, I know. Selfish to think that I know someone's finances better than they do. Selfish for me to think that every single person I have ever met would want to donate to our adoption. Selfish for me to think that people were as invested in our child as we were. No one else was doing the research I was and it really doesn't matter how many times you tell someone there are 5 million orphans in Ethiopia. They have to see it to believe it and to make it real to them. And now I know that that's okay.

I'm not saying that all of our adoption waiting period was bad. We clearly had TONS of people rally with us, pray for us and support us in every way. And I will forever be thankful and grateful for that. I'm just talking about the other side. The other things I was thinking. They're awful and horrible and I know that. But they are still thoughts that went through my mind at the time. I'm not proud of them.

Now I know I'm in a much better place. When we were adopting, there was this cloud over my whole life...the adoption cloud. And that's not a bad thing if it doesn't take over your life. But for me, when I get obsessed with something, I get obsessed with something. And it becomes unhealthy. And that's what happened when we were fundraising. I was always waiting for this person and that person to donate. And why didn't this other person care enough about us and our child halfway around the world to do something to help us? How could they not see how huge this was??

Like I said, I'm not proud of thinking all of this. But it's the truth. That was my reality. And now I know better. I realize that I will never know everyone's finances. I used to think, 'Why can't each person I know just donate $10??' But really, how could I ever know if that's in their budget? I can't. Because I'm not them. And all of that was so selfish of me to think that every person should donate to us.

Obviously we got funded in a crazy fast amount of time and we had all the money we needed before Kalkidan ever came home. And I am SO grateful for that. I'm so thankful for each person that sacrificed their time and money to help us bring Kalkidan home. Every one of those people will forever be a part of her story and we couldn't have done it without all of them. But ultimately, God is the One that brought her home. He's the One that changed hearts to give financially to our adoption. He knew that we would get fully funded crazy fast and I didn't need to have any of those negative thoughts about anyone.

So right here, right now, I'm letting go of them. I'm not going to feel bad about thinking those things anymore. I'm putting it at the feet of Jesus. Forgiving myself for those thoughts and letting Jesus take control of my thoughts. I know that thinking those things was not right. It took so much time and energy to obsess over something so trivial while God was moving mountains the whole time anyway. And I will always be thankful for God bringing each person into our lives because their funding brought us our Kalkidan. And she saved us in so many ways.

*Comments have been turned off because I don't need anyone's negative thoughts on my old ways of thinking. Thanks for understanding!*

Priority Changes and Good Days.

Today was a good day. It's only been two days since I wrote a very brief post on the mother that I want to be to my children and the ways that I feel I have failed them so far in their little lives, but I see the changes coming out in me already. And this has NOTHING to do with me being awesome and EVERYTHING to do with Christ being awesome IN me. I'm fighting my selfish desires every day. I thought I was fighting them before, but now I know I am. And it's only because of Jesus that I have the ability to do it, even on such a tiny scale.

Before my huge revelation the other night (I mean, it was HUGE. I was broken, in tears, laying in bed just journaling over and over and over.) I would just be waiting for the clock to get to 1pm so I could put everyone down for their naps. And I would do it as fast as possible so I could get on the computer, watch a tv show, read my book, etc. Anything for just ME...no doing chores or thinking about anything else but myself and how to make me happy for a couple hours. But now, now I see how ridiculous that was. I would make Makayla sit in her room for Quiet Time for two, maybe three, hours a day. Just because I didn't want to have to answer the questions she asks or do something else that I just don't want to do.

It's making me feel very raw to write this all out there for public consumption, but I'm just keeping it real. This blog is my life and this is the season I'm in right now. Take it or leave it.

I see now how much I ignored my beautiful and precious daughters. And I don't want to anymore!!!!

Which brings me back to today. :)

Makayla and I had dentist appointments this morning. My mom came over and watched the babies so I could just take Makayla. We had a great time together...talking in the car on the way there, listening to worship music and enjoying each other. Then after that we headed to Panera for lunch and I just sat there and listened to her talk to me. She told me about how her eyes were dripping from the light being too bright in her eyes when the dentist was cleaning her teeth and they put sunglasses on her. (We got seen at the same time so I wasn't with her.) She told me about how everyone LOVES her unicorn hat (FACT!) and that we should buy everyone their own since they love it so much. And I told her that they love it because SHE is wearing it which made her smile.

I got to sow into her life and just love her. Something I really haven't taken the time to do for a very long time. I'm probably being harder on myself than I should be, but I know that since we started our adoption process, my life got sucked in to that. Now that's over. Kalkidan is home and that is where my focus needs to be...on my three daughters. I still love adoption and will advocate for it (and possibly adopt again one day!) and Ethiopia will forever have a place in my heart...I can't stay away for too long, you know. :) But right now? Right now, I am called to this season of loving and putting my everything into my family, including Adam.

Things have gotten turned upside around here with bringing Tesfu home, bringing Kalkidan home, sending Tesfu back and everything happened in between there that life just got all kinds of messed up. I'm refiguring out my priorities right now. And I think for the first time, I feel like I'm on the path to getting them right. Ethiopia and Africa cannot be my main focus. I read other peoples' blogs that say that they have to be focused on that stuff and I start to second guess myself. Should I be focusing on loving and serving the least of these? Right now in this moment? And the honest answer, for me, is no. I can't. Too much damage has been done to our lives in the here and now. And that is where my focus needs to be for this time. I will always love Ethiopia and Africa and one day I will go back. But the Lord is the only one that knows when that will be. And I'm resting in that. I'm putting my all in to my three precious girls, one of whom has only been with us for three months and has serious trauma issues that we all need to work through with her.

So yes. Back to today. Makayla and I had a great time at Panera and then we brought everyone else lunch. We spent some time with her little sisters and Nana, put the babies to bed and Makayla and I got to spend some more time together. Yesterday I shared with Makayla that we would have some Fun Time and then Quiet Time, so Mommy can still have some downtime, but I'm not being as selfish as I was in the past...just a few days ago and for the past several years. We did some workbook pages that she LOVED, played with some Play-Doh and then did a picture search together. It's only an hour each day, because clearly I'm not cured of my selfishness and I never will be...it's human nature, but I have seen such a difference in the way that she acts with having this time just me and her.

I've also noticed a difference in my attitude towards all my girls and towards Adam. Again, this is not to boast about how great I am. It's to boast about how great Christ is! He is the only reason that I have had any of these convictions about how skewed my priorities in life were and how I was spending my time. He is the only reason that I feel called to this season of putting my all in to my family and not desiring to be somewhere else. He is the only reason that I can do these things. It's not at all because of me. I'm a work in progress and nowhere near where I should be, but I am so thankful that God is showing me all that He is right now so that I can be the woman, wife and mother that He wants me to be to glorify His Name.

It's been an amazing last two days. I know it's not much but it's a start and how else can you change if you don't start somewhere?

Also Adam sent me this blog post a couple weeks ago when I was really struggling with liking Kalkidan and rereading it today has helped me so much. He brought it up last night when were talking about all of this mothering stuff and all that God is revealing to me and it is all so true. I didn't adopt Kalkidan to adopt the cause of adoption or to adopt the cause of orphans. While I love those things and believe in them and will advocate for them, I adopted Kalkidan to bring another child into our family to love. For her to have a place to feel safe and call home forever. Our adoption journey is over now so I need to focus on Kalkidan being here...not living in the adoption world. I'm not shutting everyone out that is from our adoption circle, but I can't keep living with talk about court dates and referrals. Those things are all amazing and wonderful...truly they are. But I can't live there right now because that part of our journey is closed. Kalkidan is home and with us forever and she is why we went down the path of adoption in the first place.

Anyway, here's the link: Adopting a Kid, Not a Cause

Forgot to add this part earlier...last night when Adam and I were talking about my failures as a mama, I felt like we should be praying with them and for them more. We pray with them at dinner and at bedtime, but I feel like God wants us to do more. To show them more of Him in the every day. So today on the way home from Panera, we passed a car accident and I asked Makayla if she wanted to pray. She suggested that I pray instead. So I did. Makayla really loved it.

We were home for a few minutes when Makayla asked me to come with her behind the couch...the girls like to hide back there. And she showed me a tiny little cut on her knee. She always shows me her little scrapes and bruises that she gets from every day fun and I usually just tell her I'm sorry that she's hurt and try to validate her feelings. This time, I asked if she wanted me to pray for her. And she said yes. So I did.

This evening before bed she showed me another little scrape and we prayed for that one, too. It really made her feel better and I think that's the best kind of validation that I can give her. That every little thing matters to me. And even bigger is that every little thing matters to Jesus. And she can take it all to Him. All the time.

When Addi woke up from her nap today, she stuck her arm out and I asked her if it was hurting her and she said, 'Deah. (yeah)'. So I asked her if I could pray for it and she said yes, so I did. She was so happy when I was finished.

While we were putting the babies to bed, Makayla came into their room with a little stuffed doggy and said, "I want to give this to someone, maybe like my sisters or one of my friends that doesn't have a doggy. Or maybe someone that doesn't have a doggy. Because I have so many and I want somebody to have one, too!" So she put it by the stairs and asked us to leave it there for her to take to preschool in the morning. Adam and I both told her how proud we are of her and how she is being so generous in wanting to give something to someone else that doesn't have what she has. It was so beautiful seeing her precious, loving heart played out in action. I mean, I've seen it before but this was a new way that I haven't seen before. We just kept telling her how great it is that she wanted to do that for someone else.

I really, really love my daughters.

Kindergarten Orientation.

It's amazing how going to a meeting about signing your first child up for Kindergarten can make you all nostalgic. We went to this meeting tonight...for the first time in my life. I will have a Kindergartener. I know it's probably not that huge to most of you, but to me, it's huge. I just can't believe that Makayla is five years old and next year she will be in school all. day. long.

So we went to orientation tonight and I got overwhelmed with information. I still don't know what I'm supposed to do to get her set up, but I'm sure I'll figure it out! While we were there, they were talking about the kids riding the bus and I immediately thought, 'We don't live that far from the school! I'll take her every day. No biggie!' Then Adam asks her if she wants to ride the bus or have Mommy take her and she says, 'The bus!!', with MUCH enthusiasm I might add. And I literally started to tear up when I heard her say that. I just can't imagine her getting on that bus every day for school. I can't. And yet, next school year, we'll be doing just that.

Right now she goes to preschool three days a week for two hours each time. Not much time away from her Mommy. We spend all of our days together. Granted, I don't always use my time with my children wisely like I should, but we are always together. I get frustrated more than I should. I get angry more than I should. I get annoyed more than I should.

And today I realized how quickly time passes. My baby, the one who made me a Mommy, will be in Kindergarten this August. It makes me sad. It will be so hard for me to let her go even though there are times right now where I can't wait for her to be in school all day long. It stings to write those words. That I can't wait for her to be gone. Because once that time comes, there is no going back. She will be in school more than she will be at home with me.

Have I done everything I have wanted to do with her? I know she's still here and obviously she will still be living at home for a long, long time, but going from spending all of our days together to just not is going to be very difficult for me. And for her, I'm sure. She loves preschool right now, but it's such a small dose that going all day, every day will be a huge transition. I know that if we need to, we can pull her out and I can homeschool her. It wouldn't be my ideal situation because I know how easily stressed I get and I don't think I'm the most suitable teacher for my girls, but if things get crazy, we always have that option. That's good to remember.

I need to focus on the positive more than the negative. I'm not sure why that's so difficult for me. I'm exploring it all right now...looking internally a lot. Why I do the things I do even when I don't want to do them. It's hard. I'm in a hard place right now. Wanting all this time to myself yet wanting my babies near. I clearly can't live in both worlds and I need to stop being so selfish with my time. I need to enjoy my children while they are still here. I need to figure out how to get Makayla to be comfortable sharing her feelings with me so that when issues do come up, she knows she can talk to me about it. I don't ever want her to feel like she can't confide in me. Sure our relationship will change over time. I always want our home to be a place that my daughters can come and just rest. That they can freely talk without ever feeling judged or like I'm trying to change their mind on something. I want them to just be. How do I do that? I'm not sure yet. I clearly haven't done a very good job so far in her little life because she covers her ears all the time and then I end up giving up and just yelling about whatever is going on. That's the problem right now. I fly off the handle so quickly that my girls know that I'm not emotionally stable. They have no idea how I will react to the same situation every time. What a sad place for them to live. And for me to live.

Whew. Obviously this is a lot. I wasn't trying to go down this rabbit hole, but it happened. Apparently I needed to get this stuff off my mind and on to some paper, of sorts. If I want my girls to confide in me and be able to talk to me, I need to have more self-control. It's SO hard for me. This is undeniably what God is teaching me in this season of life. Thank the Lord that my time is not up yet. That Makayla IS still at home more than she's not. That I CAN change my attitude towards life. That I CAN have more self-control. That I CAN teach my girls the right way to live.

Told you kindergarten orientation messed me up big time.

Happy Birthday, Kalkidan!

We have had such a busy few months...doing two Christmases and celebrating Makayla's birthday and figuring out life around here. It's been crazy! And after all that, Kalkidan's third birthday was just around the corner...today!!!

Dear Sweet Kalkidan,

You have been home for less than three months. We are all still getting to know you and learn what makes you tick.

You are a silly, spunky little thing! You love to scream which sometimes makes your Mommy crazy, but we're working through that. :)

You have been sleeping through the night since you came home and that has been a dream!! You don't nap consistently, though. I'm pretty sure you just hang out and play and poop in your diaper. But that's okay! You need some downtime in your day, too.

You LOVE spending time with your sisters. So much. It's so sweet for me to see...at least when everyone is being nice to each other, that is. :)

You are catching on to English so quick! You can say Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, Addi, no, yeah, please, milk (milt), thank you, all done, okay, bye. And you can make small, short sentences out of those words, as well!

You have to check everything out everywhere we go. You love to grab things and figure out what they are and what they do. You test the limits a lot. I know that's just part of who you are.

You get really sad when I leave to go anywhere and you aren't coming. You try to get your shoes to come with me, too. I take this as a good sign that you're attaching to me as your Mommy.

You have called some other people mommy over these past few months, but over time, I know that will stop. It must be so hard for you to come here and have just one person taking care of you.

We are working so hard to bond with you, sweet one. We have had some difficult times when you just scream and scream and scream, but God has been so gracious in those times...even when it doesn't feel like it.

Your Daddy and I are so thankful that you are our sweet middle child. You have changed us. You have especially changed me. You've given me more patience than I ever could imagine, all while testing my patience! ;) I am so thankful that God chose you to be part of our family, Kalkidan. I pray that you know every day how much you are loved by your whole family.

This was a big birthday for us. I don't think you have ever celebrated your birthday before this year. It was so special to us to be able to have our little family celebrate YOU and your sweet life! A moment we will never forget for sure. We didn't have a big party or anything...we didn't want to overload you with people that you don't know. Maybe next year you will be ready to have some friends over!

I love you forever,
Mommy

Spunky little three year old!!

Love this beautiful face. 

This family will love you forever, sweet one!!

Opening your gifts from Ethiopia!! :)

And your sweet Tiana dress that Daddy and Makayla got for you!

Your first birthday cupcake.

Life.

Here we are nine days in to the new year. We've had a hard time adjusting to everything that's been going on around here. Life has been hard. The suffering and the hurt and the crying out to God that we have done, they all shape us and mold us into who we are. But ultimately, they bring us to joy. And that is what we should remember.

So yes. Nine days in. A lot has happened in nine days.

We started potty training Addison on the first. We haven't been very committed with it because I'm usually just overwhelmed with every day life...taking care of the girls, making breakfast, lunch and dinner. Okay that's a lie. Adam makes dinner 99% of the time. Getting Makayla to preschool three days a week, cleaning the house, folding the laundry, playing with my kids, homework stress, etc., etc. We have started potty training, but we're taking it slow. The first day, we jumped right in...straight to undies. It was too soon. We're in Pull-Ups now and sitting on the potty every hour. She has peed in the potty one time in these nine days, but I'm not stressing about it. I'm just taking it one day at a time.

On the second, I got my new tattoos. They are gorgeous and I am in love with them. Africa on my wrist, seven birds on my right forearm and hope in Amharic above the birds. Love, love, love.

Makayla has gone back to school. We are all happy to have our routine back, though I miss having fun family days together, snuggled in at home. We had an awesome snow storm over the break and Adam and Makayla built forts outside. They have loved it! Though it looks like they might start to melt today. :(

Just a little taste test. ;)

Makayla in her fort with her mail! :)

HUGE. I mean, HUGE.

Makayla next to hers and Kalkidan's.

And here is the entrance! For little people only...obviously. ;)

We started sponsoring another child in Ethiopia. This time, through Compassion International. We are SO excited because we think she found out that she will get to go to school on Gena! Which is so amazing. We are so thankful that God has blessed us so abundantly so that we can bless others. What a gift.

Our sweet Lemlem. She has been waiting almost a year for a sponsor.

Sunday, the 6th, was the first time we all went to church together! Kalkidan will be staying with us during the service, which is what we feel is best for her right now. The nursery is too much like an orphanage setting for her.

We celebrated Ethiopian Christmas on the 7th, which you can read about in my blog post here.

In between all that, I've been reading lots of books, taking lots of pictures on Instagram, loving my kids and trying to be in the moment. We have also, as a family, been doing our Jesus Calling devotional. Every night after I am finished reading it and explaining it to the kids, Adam prays for them. It's such a beautiful time for us a family and I'm praying that it will really connect us to each other and grow us closer to Jesus. And we've started taking daily vitamins together every night at dinner. It's not huge, but I just love it. I love doing things that connect us to each other.

Also every night at dinner, we read a question from a jar that we have sitting on the table. It's been fun to hear how the kids answer each question. I got them off the internet here.

Yesterday Makayla was super sick. Sweet girl. She is usually go, go, go and talk, talk, talk all day long. Yesterday morning, she just laid on the floor with her blankey and Doggy. When I asked if she wanted to eat lunch she said no, so I knew she was serious. At 11:30, I asked if she wanted to go to bed and she said yes. She slept until 2 and then came down and laid on the couch for another hour. After that she seemed to be doing better and was back up and playing. She didn't eat much at dinner and her forehead was still pretty hot. She took a bath and then came downstairs and just laid on the couch. When it was time for bed, she got off the couch and started screaming and pointing to her mouth. Then she barfed all over the kitchen floor. Poor girl. I felt so bad for her, but she was so precious about it all. We cleaned her up and put her to bed. She seems to be feeling better today, but I kept her home from preschool so we don't spread our germs.

Kalkidan started sleeping in her own room at night time for the first time last night!! We are so excited to have one room in the house that is just ours again. I know it seems like something so little, but it's a blessing to be able to sleep and not have to tip-toe in, praying you don't wake your 3 year old. :) Addison and Kalkidan share a room and last night was awesome. Addi usually cries for an hour every night...last night, she didn't cry at all! I'm thinking this is going to be really great for both of them. Our sweet little twinsies. :)

That's what's been happening here since 2013 started! Never a dull moment around here. Makayla's birthday party is on Saturday so we are getting ready for that, too! :)

Wrecked Quotes.

This might not be interesting to some (or any!) of you, but I'm putting it on here for reference for myself later. I read Wrecked by Jeff Goins a few days ago and let me tell you, it resonated with me. It is definitely a book you should pick up if you are mission focused and want to serve the Lord. I know the very moment that I was wrecked for Ethiopia. My life has never been the same and I am so thankful. Yes, we have hard moments. Every single day. But, God is taking us on a path that I never thought my life would be on. We have opened our hearts up to so many new things and even though it's hard and parenting four children is no joke, I am finding joy in the suffering. Which is exactly where God wants me. I'm so thankful to be here. Enjoy these quotes!

"To be wrecked begins with an experience that pulls you out of your comfort zone and self-centeredness, whether you want it to or not. Your old narcissistic dreams begin to fade in light of something bigger, something better. The process leaves you battered and broken after the 'real world' has slammed up against your ideals a couple dozen times. What's left standing is a new paradigm. It's hard, but it's good. It's incredible and indelible. It's tough, but only in the way that all things worth fighting for ar tough. Being wrecked means everything you believe-everything you know about yourself, your world, and your destiny-is now in question. Because you've seen something bigger. And you can't go back."

"That's when it hit me: this is the beginning of compassion. Not feeling better, but feeling worse. Because you can always do more. You can always give something extra, always meet another need. If your heart doesn't break each time you go to places of poverty and need, then you're probably doing something wrong."

"We are all searching, waiting for a Moment to come along and wreck us. If we are lucky in this life, our worlds will get turned upside down, our expectations will be shattered, and our stories will shift away from us. If we are lucky. It can be a tragedy or a triumph, but whatever it is, it must attack the way we view the world. Everyone will not do it. But you can.

If you've been wrecked, you know there is no choice. Not really. You've seen a fourth dimension, collided with a new reality. And there's just no going back to the same you from before. But you do have a choice. You can camp out, trying to relive an old memory or feeling of adventure. Or you can move forward. You can step out into more of the unknown."

"When I asked Colleen (he tells a story about a friend that brought in a teenage girl and then the girl just left without notice) if she would've done it again, she replies without hesitation, 'Yes, without a doubt.' She doesn't even have to think about it. Apparently, a broken heart isn't enough of a deterrent from doing the right thing, even when it tears your life apart. This is just the beginning of what it means to be wrecked. But it's a good place to start."

"People who allow their hearts to be broken for the brokenness in the world have something that most of us don't. Compassion. Selflessness. Freedom. They 'get it' in ways that most of us would find envious. There is a distinct clarity of purpose and calling in their lives that is astounding. In the face of suffering, they somehow have learned to shed their narcissism in exchange for a more meaningful life. It is incredibly brave and inspiring."

"Stories worth telling are full of conflict. If you want to live one, pain is inevitable. Remember: compassion means to 'suffer with.' If you're trying to serve someone in need and it doesn't hurt a little, you're doing something wrong. Sure it's nice to lend a helping hand, but true compassion causes your heart to break--even at the moment you're helping. It breaks for all the needs you're not meeting, for everything else you could be doing. When you hold the dying in your arms, when you put a pair of shoes on someone's bare feet, when you listen to a homeless person's story--these things don't feel good. They hurt. Which is what they're supposed to do. They remind us of a world that is still broken, that still needs to be healed."

"At a distance, we see a need and ignore it. We judge it, condemn it, forget it. We don't think about it, because if we practice ignorance long enough, we don't notice the need anymore. It goes underground, and we're content with the surface of life as we know it--unwilling to break deeper ground. If all appears to be well on the outside, that is good enough for our consciences."

"Change always happens when you come down from the clouds and deal with the messiness of life. When you turn a mission trip into a lifestyle. When you walk past someone who is poor and in pain and actually turn around. Real transformation happens when you commit."

"Commitment is hard. I'll admit that for me, it can sometimes be a pain. In fact, I think it's supposed to be. If a fulfilled life is about not avoiding the hard parts of a suffering world, then that includes the pain of pressing into the difficulty of sticking through the messiness of everyday, ordinary relationships we'd otherwise ignore. This is where the good stuff is found, where we find the joy of being understood by people who have sacrificed for us in incredible ways. But we don't know the pleasure if we keep bouncing from one thing to the next, if we never commit. If not for your own sake, do it for the person on the other end--the one who's waiting for you to drive halfway across the country just to show you care."

"Once you've tasted a life that isn't all about you, it can wreck you. It runs so contrary to our 'me first' culture that it can turn your world upside down. Those who have experienced it can't help but feel like misfits. They are unsatisfied with the way things are. They want to experience a life that's meaningful. They're restless. They've been wrecked and can't look back. On one level this is healthy and helpful; on another, it's distracting and missing the point. Ultimately, restlessness is not enough."

"Think of people you know who have lived a full, abundant life. What do they tell you? What wisdom do you glean? Typically they talk about the hard times, the difficulties they faced and how they overcame them. You hear how they resolved to do something regardless of the opposition, and then did it. You hear about commitment and perseverance."

"You can't achieve success without pledging yourself to something. You can't take a relations to the next level without making a choice. Sure, it costs you something; it probably costs you a hundred somethings. Every choice to do one thing means a choice to not do something else. But it also costs you the anxiety of waiting, freeing you from the trap of decision paralysis. Committing to a cause sets you free."

"I know a lot of people who are passionate about social justice, and most of them would admit that not being able to serve is uncomfortable. 'I can't just do nothing!' they might say. But sometimes, that is exactly what we are called to do--to be still and know there is a deeper story happening, one that goes beyond what we could do with our own hands and feet.

This is no excuse not to act, but it's a caution to steward our lives well. If we do not, we may be forced to give up something good for a season. So that we can be made whole. So that we can grow up. This is what God wants from us--not to serve out of our brokenness (although we all start there), but to serve as whole people, helping others heal and find wholeness. Anything else is codependence, a sham to assuage our guilt."

"It's hard to let go of those initial thrills, to do the difficult, mature work of being present to those around us. This is not easy, but it's necessary to making an impact on the world. As we get healthy, though, we should not be surprised that God may call us to commit to certain things. This is, after all, what it means to be wrecked--to intentionally step into discomfort and live in that tension."

"When we constantly seek our own happiness, we're rarely satisfied. But when we let go out of immediate gratification and serve others, we find ourselves truly enjoying life. Commitment causes us to grow in a weird way. We find ourselves by losing, by giving up our own rights."

"You have to get broken people out of a bad environment long enough to help them."

"Being wrecked is about us, but compassion is about others. You can't stay wrecked forever; you eventually have to move on. Choosing to do so may be the greatest wrecking we experience."

"Being wrecked does not look the same for the rest of your life. It changes with the seasons because each season in life has its own set of challenges and temptations. Your goal is to face them with courage and humility, always looking for the thing you're resisting and moving through it. Because that's where growth happens."

"So what do you do? How do you move through this tension, avoiding shame and inaction alike? It's simple but hard. This answer is this: act. In some small way. Because your memories are not enough. All you have is today. It was all you were ever promised. Yesterday is in the past, and it may be glorious or grisly. But it's gone. And it's time to move on. There is a reason you have air in your lungs today, why you can move your hands or feet--or if you're lucky, both. You were meant to change the world--in some small or big way. What you're called to do is not yours to decide. What is your call is how you respond. Everything you do matters. So do something. Anything. Just move. With God's help and an open heart, you will find the way.

You are leaving a legacy. Whatever you are doing, you are building something that will last. It may be a legacy of action or inaction. It's happening right now. You may not be able to see it, but it's there. You can embrace this or ignore it. But you are still leaving something behind. For your friends. Maybe your children. And perfect strangers who may never know what you did (or didn't do).

My advice? Go for broke. Choose the hard option. Do what comfort screams 'no' to--what will ultimately shape you and help others. It may be counterintuitive or against what you've been taught, but do it anyway. Step into inconvenience. Welcome the anxiety that comes with doing the right choice. And be wrecked once again."